i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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