im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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