If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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