Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
