im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Randomize
