the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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