Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
