Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
