I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize