All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
