He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
