If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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