I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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