I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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