I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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