mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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