I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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