My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
