Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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