sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
as a side note pls kill me
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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