I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
