i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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