Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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