Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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