Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize