twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
