Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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