He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
