He asked me if I "almost moaned"
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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