I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
