That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
this will be a night to untag.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize