remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
two words: eviction party
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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