In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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