I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
