I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
So apparently I’m into choking now
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