My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
