There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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