The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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