Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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