If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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