I'm jealous of your bromance
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
