I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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