My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
