Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
