Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
