Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
