worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
