True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
