i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
