I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
