The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
