I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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