I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
operation harelip BJ is a go
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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