remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
