roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize