I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
