i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
