I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
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