In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
