Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
