this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Randomize
