You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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