The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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