Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
