ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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