She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
