She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
