dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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