I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
