Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize